The sea. The abyss. My inner darkness.

The Sea. 
My current emotional landscape. The face of my inner world. An abyss. A darkness that feels endless. There are forces at work that cannot be reduced to the realm of logic, planning, and analysis. I am transfixed by this darkness. Hypnotized, even. My own choices laying to bear upon my current state. There is magic inside of me. Like the beautiful but sometimes terrifying creatures that live so deep in the oceans that they have rarely been seen, touched, or impacted by humans, so, too are the most fragile and terrified parts of my soul. The parts I have yet to share with others. The parts that I am afraid, if revealed, will be the things of nightmares. 

The Fin.
I must navigate this darkness with intention, but how do I do so when I am consumed with fear? Be thankful for the glowing magic of your cells and your soul. The fire that burns within me was once the burning gas of stars. Like thermite ignited by burning magnesium, this fire is nearly inextinguishable. Like the magic that I am, it even burns under water. How beautiful those fiery orbs of molten metal are as they fall deeper and deeper within the abyss of my soul. They illuminate the wonders that have since forth been hidden, even to me. Now, I can see. The most fragile and terrified parts of my soul are revealed to me beautifully. A sea of sparkling, glimmering, mysteries, awaiting to be shared with the world.

The Scales.
Now that I’ve realized just how much I want to share the beautiful, but most vulnerable parts of myself, I must also build a structure to support that process. Go ahead and invent new language to capture your experiences when the current language fails. The current language always fails to fully encapsulate how I am feeling, let alone how I am experiencing a moment. How can I possibly describe my own needs and how I need them met, when for nearly 30 years I was too busy taking care of everyone else? I say I am scared, but the truth is, I’m I’m only afraid of how I might lose if I truly harness the power of my own intuition. I am, somehow, at once, a sea of sparking, glimmering mysteries and a deep, black sea.

The Horns.
But, I need to release the need to know what’s next. The soil buried deep beneath the top layers of the untouched black sea of my soul are fertile from the deaths of rebirths of the many versions of me, before this one. What is so terrifying about being reborn yet again? This is a long awaited reckoning, which began in 2014, at the start of my Saturn Return. I was wrong to think this return had a fleeting or minimal impact on my new beginnings. Of the many changes I have made in the last four years, none are as important as the ones I make now. Letting go of others’ expectations of me. Freeing myself from the prisons they create from their own desires. Burying the pain they place upon me from their own tragedies. I am being set free, and they are the ones who are terrified.

The Hooves.
I am ready. The table is set for a spread of my favorite delights, and it is time to feast. The steady progress of my rebirth, of the sharing of my deepest secrets, my most beautiful and terrifying magical self, is giving way to abundance. I am manifesting the life I want. It is happening. When I look around--through the dark abyss--the bioluminescence is breathtaking. I’ve cultivated this. I’ve planted the seeds and they have flourished. Through the doubt and insecurities, I emerged. On this other side, I can finally enjoy the progress I’ve made. I can finally relish in my successes. I am finally free to be happy and it is the knowledge of this--the knowledge that I no longer have to apologize for my existence--that propels me to continue moving forward.

The Peak.
What awaits me on the other side--perhaps on April 28, when Saturn in Capricorn goes station retrograde and I am beginning my 33rd year on this Earth--is the purest alignment of my heart, mind and soul in the present moment. Not in the past. Not in my fear. Not in the deepest, darkest, abyss that is my soul. I will release that which is not benefiting me. I will let go of that which continues to try and hold me back. There is no room for confusion, exhaustion, doubt, mistrust, disappointment, or heartbreak that is of my own volition. I will only bring my fullest self to the here and now. Are you ready for this version of me? If not, I am ready to let go of you.

Blessed be.